The float

I was once asked "if I can have one superhero power what would I choose?"

Expressing yourself is considered a crime. I had this phase in middle school were I was entirely into old school rock- loved the color black and expressed myself through edgy styles. I don't remember one person not bullying me for it the whole time. Even my best friend who I came to for support started calling me names like 'emo', 'goth' or dork.  Time passed by like a breeze and high school arrived with even more physiological tortures. Throughout the years, I changed to please everyone. I became more 'normal' to my society in order to camouflage. If I wasn't in my edgy clothes or music people wouldn't have anything to look at or make fun of. So I decided to put an act and preform a survival mechanism. The great Marlon brando once said " we act to save our lives everyday". However, Marlon brando is  a dead man and maybe it wasn't the cancer that killed him, yet it was the attention. This is why I choose to be invisible. The superhero power that would please me the most is the power of being completely and utterly imperceptible.

Untitled

It has been a while since I've truly expressed my feelings properly and it feels like a mild heart attack. My family are the main cause of this heart ache that I've been experiencing for so long now. The issue is not that I hate them, no, It is much bigger than that. It is that I am totally obsessed with them. They are the only superhero figures in my life which makes me more paranoid than I already am. What concerns me the most and the reason that I'm constantly insomniac for the past couple of years is that it hits me before I go to bed. What is it? It is the devious thought that doesn't seem to leave my mind in rest but continuously tries to torture my insides. The thought of losing the 'magic of living' that keeps me waking up every morning. A little story I know about people is that they are in a never-ending search of this 'magic of living' and once they find it they are ready to protect it with their lives. However, little do those people know that this 'magic of living' is always right beside them they just need to look for it in the right place with the right piece of mind. So mine is my family and especially my little brother. You know sometimes, I wish I was so far away from them so that the only pain I feel is the pain of not having them right here beside me. I know this sounds crazy but its actually pretty smart if you think of it. I still don't get to live with them and watch them suffer as they grow older. What keeps me the most terrified is the fear of having to watch them battle with life as time races. This probably doesn't make sense right now but if I wanted to put it in as simple context as possible, I mean that I don't want to have to see them die or go down with a sickness or watch them suffer with life's mysterious misfortunes. You know they say ' what you don't know doesn't hurt you' and I don't want to know because I certainly don't want to get hurt. 

The Outcast

I've been trapped in this eternal circle of pleasing people I don't actually like. It is probably as bad as it sounds and I'm as lost as I ever could be without any apparent reason. High school to be honest has been a blood battle for me and living my way through it is giving me hell every single day of my life. I've been born and raised in an unhealthy environment. No, It is not my family that is not healthy but it is the people surrounding me. No one knows exactly what it is like to be living in 'amman' unless they've really experienced the full journey. I've been living here for about 16 years now and I really can't wait till I'm out of here. Living in amman is like living in a small box packed with filthy insects trying to get the best bite of your polished flesh. Yes, I'm as unconfident as I exactly sound, but it is amman that has built in me those insecurities. I don't know if I'm ever going to be out of here, or if high school is going to be ending any time soon but all i know is that I'm doing my best start a journey of success. What is success to me? It is reaching out to my insecurities and destroying every bit of them. This way I will feel like I've won on the monster that have had the hold of me this entire time.