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It has been a while since I've truly expressed my feelings properly and it feels like a mild heart attack. My family are the main cause of this heart ache that I've been experiencing for so long now. The issue is not that I hate them, no, It is much bigger than that. It is that I am totally obsessed with them. They are the only superhero figures in my life which makes me more paranoid than I already am. What concerns me the most and the reason that I'm constantly insomniac for the past couple of years is that it hits me before I go to bed. What is it? It is the devious thought that doesn't seem to leave my mind in rest but continuously tries to torture my insides. The thought of losing the 'magic of living' that keeps me waking up every morning. A little story I know about people is that they are in a never-ending search of this 'magic of living' and once they find it they are ready to protect it with their lives. However, little do those people know that this 'magic of living' is always right beside them they just need to look for it in the right place with the right piece of mind. So mine is my family and especially my little brother. You know sometimes, I wish I was so far away from them so that the only pain I feel is the pain of not having them right here beside me. I know this sounds crazy but its actually pretty smart if you think of it. I still don't get to live with them and watch them suffer as they grow older. What keeps me the most terrified is the fear of having to watch them battle with life as time races. This probably doesn't make sense right now but if I wanted to put it in as simple context as possible, I mean that I don't want to have to see them die or go down with a sickness or watch them suffer with life's mysterious misfortunes. You know they say ' what you don't know doesn't hurt you' and I don't want to know because I certainly don't want to get hurt.